Expectations

As we round the corner to three months, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this "mommy" thing. Claire has fallen into a nice little schedule, I'm back to work, she's sleeping through the night, she eats like a horse, and keeps the meltdowns to about 1 a day. And even if she does melt down, I feel like I can handle it now. I have enough tactical defenses in the arsenal to be able to manage almost any situation with -- dare I say it? -- aplomb.

Still, I wonder sometimes if anyone had told me it was going to be this hard, would I have gone through with it? I'm definitely past the stage where I'm daily wishing for my old life back and feeling like I made a huge mistake. And we have an "easy" baby by comparison -- it's not like she has colic, or some medical condition, or I'm trying to raise her by myself. How do other people manage and not lose their minds, (or their marriages?)

Or is that why there are so many screwed up people in the world?

One of our friends came over for a visit last week. She's a sweetheart, and we always refer to her as one of those people who prove that Southerners are not as dumb as some people like to make them out to be. She's a pretty thing, and she's got the thick country accent, but if you talk to her for 5 minutes you realize that the pretty face also has a sharp tongue and a quick wit!

But I digress... Our friend came to visit and she asked us each what surprised us the most about having a baby. I had to think about it quite a bit, and I don't think I could narrow it down to just one thing. So here I present:

Top 5 Things That Surprised Me the Most About Being a New Parent!

5. Just how much a baby who is almost 12 lbs at birth will eat!
They made us crazy in the hospital. First, when you've just given birth, you're producing nothing but tiny drops of colostrum out of your breasts. The milk doesn't really come in for about 3 days. So in our case, they told us to supplement with 10 milliliters of the formula that they provided. After two days of SCREAMING baby we realized the poor dear was just HUNGRY so we fed her as much as she wanted! We asked the pediatrician if that was okay, and he said, "Yes. Of course. If she's hungry, feed her!" They had also told us in the hospital that we should WAKE her every two hours to eat. The doctor said, "No. If she gets hungry, she'll wake up! Of course if she is going 4 or 5 hours without waking, then I would worry. But as long as she's giving hunger cues, she's fine."

So a word of advice: maybe I shouldn't trust *everything* they tell me in the hospital if I have any circumstances that seem out of the ordinary. I suppose, in retrospect, that they were telling us what to do based on advice given to people who have 8 lb babies. I mean, when do they ever see and 11.5 lb baby?! They have no experience with that. The nurses also kept remarking how fabulous I looked for a woman who just had a c-section, and what a nice patient I was. After everything I had been told, I was worried about not being able to walk around, or eat, or that I would be too sleepy to appreciate my new baby. And except for some serious aching when I got up or down, I was pretty much fine the next day as long as I had some pain meds. But I'm a really good healer. Oh well. Live and learn.

4. How excited everyone else is about this baby too!
We put all the cards from the baby shower up on the mantle a few days after the shower. Since then we've been adding to them, and adding to them, up to and including this week! That's like 4 full months of excitement. Even if everyone didn't send a gift, they at least sent a card. That said, we got an amazing number of gifts -- we haven't had to buy more than the "big things" for the most part. Craig was opening cards from relatives of his he hasn't heard from in forever. There is just so much excitement around a baby. It's heartwarming and kind of stunning. Even my "heartless" sister is showing off pictures of the baby to waiters!

3. How much I would miss being pregnant.
As grueling as the third trimester was, I'm already waxing nostalgic about it. Feeling that little life roll around in there, taking naps and having an excuse to just lay about... It was kind of nice! Everyone was so excited around me all the time. When you're pregnant, strangers smile at you, and people are courteous and understanding, and everyone's curious about how you're feeling and how the baby is doing. But now? I'm back to basically not existing! Bah! But seriously, I miss that expectant feeling, of waiting for the big moment, of the excitement to come. I hear it's not the same when you have baby #2 either...

2. Post partum depression is no joke, and actually pretty horrible.
A friend of mine told me that the first three months with a new baby are "harrowing", and I think that's the most appropriate adjective I've heard to describe the situation thus far.

I understand that some people get the "baby blues" after giving birth. That's a cute little name for a temporary bit of insanity that makes you weepy after you have a baby and realize that it's a huge responsibility and who in their right minds gave YOU a baby?! That is not post partum depression. Try crying all day at everything every day for weeks, not sleeping, not eating...and I think I already mentioned the overwhelming feeling of having made a huge, irreparable mistake.

Because I have a history of depression, I knew it might be an issue for me. At one point in my life, I went through every kind of anti-depressant known, and then all the new ones as they came out, looking for the right fit. Eventually, I "trained" myself to not need them at all, and have been living SSRI-free for several years now. But because I knew I was prone to chemical imbalance, I advised them to prescribe me something while I was in the hospital. In retrospect, because those SSRIs take at least 2 weeks to really start working, I should have started two weeks sooner.

If I had started sooner, I probably wouldn't have worried my mother to death for a few weeks (enough so that my parents went back to NJ and then came back a couple of weeks later to give us extra help.) I probably would have appreciated those "tiny baby" moments in the first week or two more, and now I wish I had, because I know they're never coming back...

So my advice is, if you know you may need medication, take the medication. It actually helped reduce my crying jags and insanity to only once a day, and now they're practically non-existent.

But the number one thing that surprised me --

1. How much love I would have for this tiny little person!
Yeah, it's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason!

Don't get me wrong, I'm good at love. I love my family, and my close friends and my pets. I've deeply loved some of my boyfriends, and of course I totally love my husband. But this? This is a whole new level bordering on obsession.

If she makes the littlest sound while she's waking up, I'm all over it like white on rice to see what she's doing because I'm just so EXCITED to see her! The little faces she makes are cuter than kittens in a fluffy cloud universe. If she's upset, her shrieks are like tiny daggers into my heart, tearing out my soul, and I would do anything -- ANYTHING -- to fix it and make her happy again! And just one "Hi mommy!" smile from her and I'm a puddle of melted ice creamy love. I had no idea it would be like this. Just one of those things that, like they say, you just don't even have the capacity to understand until it happens to you.

Would I do it all again? Yeah, I think I would. At least the second time I will be more prepared...

Two Months!

Wow... if the first month seemed to go fast, the second passed in the blink of an eye. Here's what baby Claire looks like now:



And here are some things she's been doing lately:

- She now smiles and laughs in recognition whenever she sees me or Kathy, especially first thing in the morning or seeing one of us after being away for a brief while.

- She bats and grasps at objects near her face.

- She can support her entire core unassisted from the waist up while being held. She can also support her own weight, but her balance leaves something to be desired, so she won't be walking quite yet (this week, at least).

- She can push herself up onto her arms and has started to make attempts at crawling, but can't quite get traction yet.

- She "talks" A LOT! Usually happy little coos and gurgles, but she occasionally mimics something we day using her own versions of words, like baby Hooked on Phonics. Her favorite one to imitate is Daddy's "I love you" which from her sounds like "AH LAAAAAAAAH PHBBBBBBT!" using the same speech inflections and volumes as me.

- She's holding steady at about 14 lbs and 23 inches long or so, but she's eating like she's about to grow again. She typically takes in about 6 ounces of milk every three to four hours!

- She is officially sleeping through the night at this point, usually going down for 6-7 hours, occasionally as long as 8. We are obviously thrilled. If we get less than six hours of sleep on a given night, it's definitely not Claire's fault.

- Both Kathy and I are back to work now, which is why updates have been sparse. Hopefully October will find me with more time to fill everyone in on things.

If any of you are still watching our blog for updates, thanks for your support and patience! We love you! More soon... promise.

One Month?

Claire is one month old today.

Wow.

I mean, really... where did the time go? It seems like literally only yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital. A lot's happened, though, despite an astounding lack of blog updates.

- She's stopped screaming. The worst we get now is an occasional bout of crying which we're usually able to stop by picking her up. She gets fussy when hungry and grunty when gassy, but nothing like what we experienced during that first week.

- We went to Target! With the baby in tow. As ridiculous as that sounds, it felt like the biggest accomplishment to us after days and days of feeling chained to the house.

- She now turns her head toward the sound of Kathy's and my voices, and smiles in response to hearing or seeing us.

- She's still very regularly sleeping 4-5 hours, especially at night.

I'm sure there's more stuff, and we owe everyone an updated picture, but for now I'd say it's an accomplishment that the three of us are still alive! I can't wait to see what adventures month two holds for us.

Mother Nature has a twisted sense of humor

I'm going to give it to you straight:

Breastfeeding is HARD and anyone who tells you it isn't is either deluded or just a boldfaced liar.

It doesn't help that we had an 11 lb. baby. From the get-go I've been behind the 8-ball. In the hospital her blood sugar was low so they recommended we supplement her with formula right away because colostrum probably wasn't going to do it enough to keep her out of the NICU. And since then, my poor breasts have been fighting an uphill battle.

More than one person has made the joke in the past, based on my well-endowedness in the breast area, that my babies would never starve! No one apparently accounted for the fact that I would have an enormous baby...

It's a constant battle of supply and demand.

We went to a lactation consultant yesterday though, and she said that we're doing everything right. The main concern is just to work hard to keep the supply up. So I'm trying things like fenugreek and "Mother's Milk tea" to help too.

I was able to finally buy some nursing bras at the lactation center. They are cup size "G." Yes, G as in "ginormous."

Cruel joke number two courtesy of Mother Nature:

I'm already starting to forget how tough pregnancy was, especially at the end. It's all I can do to remember the trouble I had doing chores while 9 months pregnant, scrubbing the toilet and the shower with a giant baby-filled midsection in the way. I'm forgetting how hard it was just to roll over in bed, or get in and out of the car, or, well...do pretty much anything with the world's most achy breaky pelvis. My brain is starting to think, "Oh well, maybe it wasn't that bad?"

And this is why the human race has persisted.

40 ml. to Freedom

Q: How much does an 11 pound baby eat?

A: A lot. More than you think. More than you've heard. More than your friend's baby ate. More than your baby ate. More than logic dictates anything that small should eat. Way more than 40 ml. but I just can't pass up a good Sublime reference.


Here's what our baby is like (apart from being adorable, cuddly, sweet-smelling, soft and occasionally sleepy). For those of you who've seen LOST, you'll get this analogy. The rest of you can probably skip ahead a bit (as in this entire entry).

You know in Season 2 of LOST, how Desmond lives in the hatch for three years pushing the button every 108 minutes? And at the two-minutes-to-go mark, he starts getting the friendly cash register beep sound signaling that it's time to input the numbers? And at ten-seconds-to-go, the friendly beep turns into an ominous buzzer type sound? And when the clock runs out, those freaky hieroglyphics pop up and there's that something-wicked-this-way-comes sound of a horrible, horrible thing that's just about to happen? And then the world ends?

Our baby is like that. She sleeps (when she sleeps) for periods of up to four hours at a time. When she wakes up, she's all smiles, making the occasional "I need to eat" gesture. Do not let this fool you. Get as much milk or formula into her as quickly as possible. If you do not, within two minutes, the sleepy-smiley baby will turn into what would sound to the untrained ear to be a vaguely annoyed baby. You do not know how close to the end of the world you are at this point. You now have less than one minute to get a bottle into that mouth or it's



time. If you ignore the previous two warnings, she will begin to let out such an ungodly shriek, you will swear that someone has just set upon a pillowcase full of kittens with a blowtorch. If she is anywhere near your head, your ears will ring for a period of several minutes to an hour. This shrieking will continue until you place a bottle in her mouth. If you're able to get the bottle into her mouth within about fifteen seconds, the screaming may subside and you may, in fact, have bought yourself 108 more minutes of peace. If you do not, the world will end. Which is to say, you will spend the next three to six hours trying to get her calmed down and back to sleep.

I maintain that God sent us this particular baby because He thinks we can handle it. But right now, after two weeks I feel like it's already been three years. If John Locke showed up right now, I wouldn't wait to see if he got the snowman riddle correct. I'd be on my sailboat immediately.

Just kidding, I love my daughter to death and most of this entry has been exaggerated for comic effect. Except the screaming. Oh, god, the screaming. I don't think I came close to doing it justice.

It's not all doom and gloom, though. Stay tuned for our next exciting installment wherein I detail Claire's first bath and how she ended up dirtier when she came out of the tub than when she went in!

The Birth Story

This is a long one, so get ready!

Thursday, July 2, we went to the doctor to have the aforementioned NST and ultrasound. We had the same ultrasound tech we had for the last two appointments, which was nice because she remembered us.

We were really excited to see Baby Girl again! It was a little difficult to get all the measurements the tech needed to make an accurate assessment of our baby's size because of the way she was positioned, but she managed. Finally she brought up the calculated results, and said, "You guys are going to kill me..." And I said, "Why?" And she said,

"I have this baby measuring at 11 lbs. 3 oz."

After we picked our jaws up off the floor, we got some printouts of the heartbeat and a one-more-time verification that we were having a girl (!) and we went to the NST. It was uneventful, thankfully. And then we waited to see the midwife.

When the midwife came in (she was the same one we saw last time who formulated a "plan" because I didn't want anyone else to try to change course) she had quite a look of astonishment on her face. She immediately stated that because of Baby Girl's size she was going to have to counsel me on having a primary c-section. Not only would it be inadvisable to try push out an 11 lb. baby, we'd have no idea if I'd be successful and if I wasn't, I'd end up needing a c-section anyway. It would also be very stressful on the baby, and could cause shoulder dystocia or other birth complications. I was okay with the c-section, and I agreed that it would be the safest course of action for all involved. After a few phone calls to the hospital scheduler, we made arrangements to have the procedure on Sunday. Finally, we knew for sure when Baby Girl would be here! The midwife checked me for dilation/effacement but said that nothing was going on still, so at least we had a plan.

My mom and dad had come to our house a couple of days before to stay with us until the baby was born, so we went home to tell them of the news. Craig called and let his family all know. We made plans and waited.

Friday morning, July 3rd, I woke up around 5:30 am (like usual) and stumbled off to the bathroom. When I wiped I discovered I had lost a large mucus plug. I had lost one on Wednesday as well, but this new one was bloody. I didn't panic because I knew that was something I could expect to happen. I felt a little crampy, like I had light menstrual cramps, but it seemed like nothing to be alarmed about, so I went back to bed.

The rest of the day, I had light bleeding, like a spotty period. And then the cramping started getting more intense. It was very low in my pelvis, and at some point I thought I should start trying to time how long it was in between moments of real discomfort. When I timed it I realized they were almost exactly 20 minutes apart. Then they were 14. Then they were 10. Then they were 15 again. Not exactly regular, so I figured I could just keep an eye on it.

I went outside to talk to mom and dad for a while on the back patio. When I got up about 15 minutes later, I had a sudden urge to use the bathroom. I felt some kind of warm "leakage" but when I checked, it looked just like a tablespoon or so of the same kind of discharge I had been having all day, or maybe just a little thinner. I thought maybe it was just an effect from sitting in the sun too long. I went and took a shower. When I got out, I laid on the bed and started timing the cramping again. 14 minutes. 8 minutes. 10 minutes...

At this point I was starting to get concerned that I hadn't stopped bleeding all day, and Craig shared my worries. But because (in typical fashion) it was after the doctor's office hours already, I had to call and speak to the triage nurse. While we waited for a call back, Craig ordered some pizza for dinner for everyone. The nurse called me back, and I explained the situation. She said she would get in contact with the on-call doctors at the hospital and let me know what they wanted to do. But in the meantime, she told me, don't drink or eat anything. So much for my delicious barbecue chicken pizza...

When the nurse called back she said that the midwife (the same one who saw us the day before) was on call and she wanted me to come down and just get checked out to be on the safe side. So Craig and I left mom and dad to the pizza, and went down to the hospital to get me checked out.

I had a hard time getting out of the car at the hospital because of the pain. They were waiting for us at the front desk, and took us to the triage room. I got undressed and into a gown, hooked up to monitors, and we waited. The nurse said, sure enough, I was having contractions! When the midwife came in, she checked my dilation (3 cm!) and said my water was broken! They did a little litmus paper-type test just to make sure, and then said, "Okay, you're having this baby tonight!"

Whaaaaat?!

And then a flurry of activity began all around me. Suddenly there were 4 or 5 nurses in the room, each doing some thing to get me ready to go to surgery! I told everyone they had to wait a minute while I called my parents so I could get them to the hospital asap. We also hadn't brought anything with us because we were expecting I would just come down to get checked and then we'd go right home. I had no cell phone reception, so one of the nurses tried to help me use the hospital phone to call my dad. Meanwhile, I had a nurse on my left trying to (unsuccessfully) insert an IV catheter in my arm. I was trying to tell my dad what was going on while she was doing it, and I'm sure it came out with a lot of "OW OW OW" in it but she just wouldn't stop while I was trying to talk! When she finally realized it wasn't working, and went for attempt number two I asked her to just hold up one minute while I finished on the phone before she attacked me again. Honestly, the pain of her trying to get that done was probably the worst thing about the whole experience!!!

With my parents called and everyone getting me ready, they wheeled me to a suite where Craig was already waiting for me. They had decked him out in scrubs by now (he looked so cute!) and he had a look of nervous excitement on his face. The flurry of activity continued around us, until the doctor came in. He and the midwife were the same team that were originally scheduled for our c-section on Sunday, so he told me I messed up because I was supposed to bring him an omelet on Sunday morning!

I looked at the clock, and it was 9:45 pm. They said they were trying to get me into surgery by 10:15 pm. The doctor explained the procedure, explained about the anesthesia, made sure I was comfortable, and went to get ready. He said in less than an hour from then, our baby girl would be here!

The nurse anesthetist came in and introduced herself, and explained what to expect from the spinal. And then we waited until they said they were going to wheel me out to the OR. My parents didn't make it there in time to see me beforehand, and the nurses told Craig he would have to wait to come into the OR until the spinal was done, but they would come get him.

They rolled my bed into the OR, and asked me if I could get up on the table myself, which I was able to do. I had to sit on the edge of the table and wait. At this point I started shaking, which they told me was normal because of the temperature of the room and the IV fluids I was receiving, so they got me a warm blanket. When the anesthetist came in, they told me to drop my head down, slope my shoulders and arch my back, and that the worst part was going to be the injection he had to do to numb the area. Sure enough, that thing burned like crazy, but they told me to count down from five and it would be done. I did, but it came out like, "Five OW four OW three OW..." And then a few minutes later I felt the slightest little nerve pinch which must have been from the spinal catheter, and then we were done! My legs started getting heavy, and they laid me back on the table.

From then on I let them put me into position (like I had a choice!) and waited for the anesthesia to work. My feet started disappearing, which was really, really uncomfortable to me because I wanted to move them so badly! They put up the big blue sheets so I couldn't see my bottom half. Then they gave me a nose tube of oxygen to breathe, and warned me that my chest would feel heavy, and it may feel hard to breathe, but that was normal. They let Craig join me and he sat by my head. I asked him to rub my hand because my fingers were tingly, maybe from the oxygen.

The doctor came in and they confirmed my name and what I was there for. He said he was pinching my abdomen and asked me if I could feel it, and I said, "No." I really couldn't feel anything! Not even pressure of what they were doing. Hooray for spinal anesthesia! And then they got started...

The rest of the procedure happened quickly, and it was kind of a blur because I felt so lightheaded. I remember them saying they saw me have an enormous contraction while I was on the table, and they couldn't believe how pushed out my abdomen got! I remember them having to get out footstools to stand on so they would be at the right angle where they could deliver baby girl. Then they asked Craig if he wanted to watch her be born, and with uncertainty in his voice he quavered, "Uh...okay?" and peeked a little over the sheet. (The nurse told him if he needed to sit, his chair was still behind him!)

And then she was out! They asked me if I wanted to see her and I said yes, so they lowered the sheet a bit and passed her in front of me. I saw a bluish, wet, baby-shaped mass fly by, and then the nurses had her.

Then I heard her! The lungs on this child! She was certainly breathing, but she was not happy about it. Craig was back and forth trying to watch them with her, and worrying about me. They let him cut her cord. Everyone exclaimed that she had a lot of hair, and they were all eagerly taking bets on her weight. Everyone knew she was no 7 lb. baby for sure!

11 lbs 11 oz! 5300g. What a big baby! I'm so glad I had that c-section!

After that I believe the nurses had gotten my dad's camera from the waiting room, so there were pictures to be taken. They put her close to my head, and Craig huddled in, and I was crying from the excitement and the relief and WOW look at that beautiful baby we made! I could hear them still putting me back together on the other side of the sheet, but I was otherwise mentally occupied...

They let Craig take her back to the room while they finished up my stitches, and then they helped me onto another gurney and told me how great I had done. When they wheeled me back into our room, I was exhausted. I was still shaking from the anesthesia, but I was ready to hold my daughter!

My family came in. My parents were there as well as my younger sister and her husband. Everyone was excited to meet our new little baby, Claire.

Welcome, Claire Marie Collin!

Claire Marie Collin was born at 10:38 PM on July 3rd, 2009. She weighed in at a whopping 11lbs, 11oz and was 19.5 inches long. She and Kathy are both doing very well.





Note: we have tons more to share... when we get a free moment, there should be a few more stories forthcoming.