The factory is silent. Its assembly line stands motionless. Somewhere off in the darkness, a buzzer sounds. One by one, lights begin to flicker and illuminate on long-unmanned diagnostic panels, giving a sense of enormity and complexity and scale to the machinery. The low hum of power supplies warming up comes next, followed by the higher and louder whine of turbines and electric motors. A whistle sounds, and one by one, employees begin to file in and take their places at the controls. Purposed for a single task, whose time has now come, the factory slowly comes to life...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Mommy Guilt Starts Early

Here it is: This Tuesday I'll be 20 weeks pregnant with our second child, and I have yet to even mention the poor thing here!

I feel guilty about it, believe me. I'm concerned because I've barely had time to think about him/her. I haven't bonded the way I did with Claire. By this time in the last pregnancy, I was really comfortable with the fact that it was starting to show. Now, I've started showing earlier, and because in my brain the pregnancy hasn't sunk in "right", I just feel fat. I went to meet my boss uptown the other day, and the night before, I went through every decent outfit I could put together, and I settled for the one that made me look the most pregnant and the least like a big fat bear. Not a good attitude!

I have concerns about the way he/she is growing. I've been sick twice this pregnancy. I'm 20 weeks, and I've only just started feeling the flutters. I've been stressed out beyond belief. My job is super-busy. Claire is a handful and a half right now. Craig is critical or in a bad mood 85% of the time. His job is making him miserable. The house is a disaster. Don't get me started about money. Shiva won't stop barfing everywhere. We haven't done our taxes yet. We need to buy a new car, but I don't even know where to start. I can't seem to accomplish half the things I need to in the time I have. I stay up late to get work done and don't sleep nearly enough. I'm wiped out. This can't be good.

We're going to get help though. We've been posting for and interviewing someone to come to the house and watch Claire for the first half of the day. I'm going to hire a cleaning service to come bi-weekly, and maybe we can get the dust under control. I've been using the grocery store online shopping to save time having to go to the store, and now I can plan some meals so we eat out less. The crock pot has been a lifesaver.

But if one more thing breaks, throws up or has a tantrum around here, I am going to lose it.

So all that bitching was to illustrate the point that I WANT to be so happy about the new baby, but I just can't get a grasp on it. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. I just don't know how to pull my head above water yet. Once I do, I think I can really feel much better about the whole thing.


We have our "big" ultrasound scheduled for this Friday, April 1st. April Fool's Day. Seems sort of fitting, doesn't it? A big step for me will be finding out the gender. I know it's important to Craig too, because he hates saying "it" and "him/her" is just so awkward.

We have something like 15 totes of girl clothes in storage right now, so I don't think you will have a hard time guessing which I'm hoping for. I would also LOVE for Claire to have a sister. And I totally know how to take care of girls. It would be a piece of cake, comparatively. And I could use that right now.

But I feel guilty about that too. I feel bad that I have such a strong preference about such a seemingly arbitrary thing. And poor little baby has no choice of what it is, but still needs a mommy to love it. I'm just scared I'm going to harbor some kind of disappointment or even resentment if the baby turns out to be a boy. Don't get me wrong: I know I have the capacity to love the baby no matter what it is because it's mine, and I'm not worried about that part. I'm worried about how I'm going to feel when it's the middle of the night, and the baby is peeing everywhere because I took his diaper off, and it's just NOT like it is with a little girl where it's nice and contained, that sort of thing. Random gender-differential situations like those. I know it sounds stupid. I know it makes me sound like a bad person. But I'm sick just thinking about it.

But 5 more days and we'll know for sure.

I've lost touch with my friends. I hardly talk to my family, except the usual conversation with my parents once a week. I've pretty much lost all my hobbies and interests, if for no other reason than lack of time. I've essentially lost my sense of self, which is what I hear happens, sometimes, when you become a mom. But I'm hating all of it right now. I spend a lot of time jealous of childless friend's lives. It would be so much easier if we had a way to take a break once in a while. We don't even have a person who can come over once in a while so Craig and I can go out to dinner together. We're struggling.

So I'm sorry, little baby. I love you, but I've got to get it together for us people on the outside right now. I'm going to have a lot to make up to you once you're out here with us, I know. But I promise you I will do my best.